Thursday, June 23, 2005


I heard about this wonderful program this morning . . .

I can't tell you how pleased I am about our new program to solve the problems at Guantanamo. Here is a copy of letters that are going out to the thousands of caring Americans who've complained about how Islamofacists have been treated while detained at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. This same offer is also being made to Senator Dick Durbin and others in Congress who've expressed similar opinions.

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are closing Guantanamo and we are creating a new terrorist rehabilitation program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist (sorry, detainee) under your personal care. Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (a 22 year old Syrian citizen captured last year in Kirkuk, Iraq) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. Your adopted terrorist (er, detainee) is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a paper clip or pencil. He is also an expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless you feel that this might offend him.

It's very important you realize that Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and his religious beliefs.

Oh, and before I forget, I will be asking Congress to pass a law this week that will allow you to receive a federal tax credit for all the expenses of housing, feeding and rehabilitating Ahmed. Unfortunately, Ted Kennedy has already announced his opposition to this bill as "an overly-generous Republican tax break." His intent is to block its passage, through filibuster if necessary. Maybe you'd like to call him or drop him a note if you disagree with him:

Senator Edward Kennedy
317 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you inform us of the proper way to do our job.

Take good care of Ahmed and good luck!


George W. Bush
The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.


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